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Before the season begins, I have some bad blood to get out. I’m going to do my best to be an objective, conscious blogger this year and keep y’all informed in the NBA without pissing TOO many people off. Well, to do that, I need to get this out of my system now. Here we go- the top 14 biggest assholes in the NBA.

• 14 - Ben Wallace. Sorry buddy, I loved you for all those years– and you meant the world to me AND my team. I couldn’t bring myself to put you any higher on this list, but I had to include you. When I read the news back on July 13th, I felt as if my 6-year girlfriend announced that she has been cheating on me, and is marrying another guy for his money. It still hurts, Ben. Here’s to the twilight of your career, and your awesome free throws. Let’s hope they hack-a-Ben you and the Bulls right out of the playoffs.

• 13 - Kenyon Martin. Seriously bro, you’re an asshole. You squander your talent like a stripper with meth. You need to take a step back and realize that you used to be a baller, you’re paid VERY well, and the youth of the NBA is going to pass you by because they’ve got hunger, you only have pride. Suck it up, Kenyon. And to be honest, I liked you before this season. I liked you when you came to Detroit with the Nets back in ‘03, you wore a Detroit hat to our home games to represent your love for the city you came from (well, Saginaw, but close enough).
• 12 - Latrell Sprewell. See above.

• 11 - Kobe Bryant. From rapping to raping, no means no. Pass the ball, maybe we’ll see about dropping you from this list, princess.

• 10 - Richard Jefferson. Riddle me this, asshole. What kind of a jagoff gets their own initials tattoed on their own shoulder? Seriously, could you not remember your name so you got a permanent cheat sheet? Smart thinking.

• 9 - Lebron James. I know, how could I? Yes, the kid is AMAZING. Incredible. Might just end up the second best of all time (under Dumars of course. kidding!). But honestly, arrogance has blinded him. Just look at that picture above– “chosen 1″ tattooed on his back. I would rather he got “RJ” tattooed on his shoulder. Lebron, I could find it in my heart to respect you, but not until you take a step back and realize that you were GIVEN a gift, and that you should practice that gift humbly. One more thing I’ve always wondered– why #23? Why follow in Jordan’s footsteps when you could start your own legacy number?

• 8 - Manu Ginobli. A few seasons ago, I may just have given you the #1 spot. Last season, your performance sank, and it made me feel all fuzzy inside. I blame your diminishing performance on the fact that the referees have finally figured out that you are a complete and total hack. You’re not a basketball player, you’re an actress. If I had a dollar for every time that you have charged at the nearest defender by the basket, flailed your hands in the air and fell on the ground- I’d be loaded. Years ago, when defense still mattered, you wouldn’t be playing in the NBA– you wouldn’t have a chance. But now, you are a big player because you have one talent which stands out: you draw contact. That’s it.

• 7 - Gary Payton. You may have been one of the ten best guards in the game, but your only noteworthy accomplishment in the last three seasons is just in being a colossal prick. Stop chewing gum, Gary.

• 6 - Officer Shaquille O’Neal. Okay, you’re not really an asshole Shaq. You’re just eccentric, and you might just be the second worst rapper on this list (Kobe holds that crown, er– tiara). You talk a lot of garbage, and I begrudgingly enjoy it. Why are you on this list? You’re huge. You moved from the Western Conference to the Eastern Conference, and the game changed. The Heat became a contender. Aside from Lebron, there is no other player in the league that could polarize the game so much. And when you leave, I believe the game will become more competitive. That’s why you’re on this list, Shaq. You’re huge, and that is your “talent”. You were built for football, but you decided to stand in the way of the NBA’s progression toward the hoop. When you depart, no team will get a “get in the hoop free” card any longer.

• 5 - Commissioner David Stern. New ball and dress code aside, I’ve got a bone to pick with you. You’re ruining the NBA. Case and point? The Dallas vs. Miami finals of the 05-06 season. You know what? I’ll let Scottie Pippen explain this for me:
• “In the era when Michael played, it was a physical game. Defense was promoted. Guys took pride in it. Today defense is no longer a part of the game. Guys are driving to the basket. There are rules where you can’t step in front of them. To me, it is taking away from the game seeing a guy like Tony Parker taking advantage of the rules. He is shooting 55 percent from the field. That says something about the game itself. In the history of the NBA, I’m sure a point guard has never led the league in field goal percentage. It’s a different game now. It’s really not about being tough and physical because the NBA isn’t a physical game anymore. When you talk about how the Knicks and Bulls used to battle in the early ’90s, the Oakleys, and Pat Ewings, the Masons, and how they would have the ability to use their hands to put you in a trap position. There is no way you can even triple team a guy now and stop him. Any contact is a foul. I can’t compare the two players because I see it as two different games. If I’m guarding Kobe Bryant in today’s game, I couldn’t be the defender I was known as.”

• 4 - Alonzo Mourning. Completing Miami’s tri-fecta of assholes is Mr. Alonzo Mourning. Does anyone outside of Miami or maybe New Jersey have anything positive to say about this guy? Blocking power aside, he’s an asshole.

• 3 - Stephen Jackson. Honestly, you make this so easy. You’re an asshole, and now a felon too. Congrats.

• 2 - Ron Artest. You applied at Circuit City for the employee discount during your rookie season. You started a record label called “Tru Warier”, where you are a featured “artist” (remember when I mentioned that Shaq was the second worst rapper on this list? He just moved up to “best”). You asked for a month off of the Indiana Pacers due to “being tired from promoting an album”. You charged into the croud during the “Malice in the Palace” brawl in the 2004-05 season, fighting with fans. Your buddy Stephen Jackson above was right there with you. During the next season you played, you betrayed your teammates and requested a trade. My question, Ron Artest– what’s next, asshole? (oh wait, your album is supposed to come out tomorrow…)

• 1 - Larry Brown. Mr. Cut-and-Run. While I could go back a lot further, let’s rewind to the 2005 NBA playoffs. You abandoned your team. You toyed with the media about moving on to manage the Cleveland Cavaliers as their President. You talked about other coaching jobs. Meanwhile, you had the best team in the league IN THE PLAYOFFS at the time. You deserted them. Without your glue to hold them together, the Detroit Pistons lost the series in game 7. They could have won it a lot sooner… Instead, you only proved to the NBA that Gregg Popovich is the better coach.

After that season came to a close, you accepted a $60 million dollar deal to coach the New York Knicks. This made you the highest paid NBA coach in history. During the season, you publicly berated the Knicks players in the media. Once again, you had one foot in the game, one foot out the door. You led the Knicks to a 23 win season, with the most starting 5 changes in a single season in history. For two years in a row, you proved to the world that you are no longer the coach that you once were.

The Knicks have fired you. You’re done. I don’t know any GM in the league that would be dumb enough to give you a coaching job now. Enjoy your retirement, Larry. Way to burn out on a bad note, not leave the NBA with a positive legacy…

So there you have it. Did I miss anyone?